I thought writing about cheating was tough, but it pales in comparison to this one.
During the Thanksgiving holiday, my 13 year-old daughter dyed hot pink stripes in her hair. Several of her teachers weren’t fond of it, and she almost got a referral to the office. That would have been her first one, but an assistant principal intervened.
When she told me about it, she also explained that she wears a jacket every day because she doesn’t want to wear “dress code shirts.” In addition, she takes her cell phone to school (another no-no).
Two years ago, I would have been very upset. I would’ve also worried about whether the teachers at her school thought I was a “bad mom.”
Today, I think I’m proud.
As a kid, I was a “goody two shoes.” I followed the “rules” outlined by school and society almost without question until I was nearly 30. I wore uncomfortable heels. I bought new cars every couple years. I ate my whole grains. I tried to build businesses without “selling” because that wasn’t appropriate for professionals like CPA’s. I burned myself out making sure I attended every possible meeting. As a result, I often felt like an alien because my preferences didn’t align with those rules.
I finally decided something had to give and started looking for alternatives. It took me another couple of years to realize that I was living my life based on someone else’s scripts. Since then, I’ve done a significant amount of research and thinking about “rules.” My beliefs could not have changed more radically.
Once in a while it really hits people that they don’t have to experience the world in the way they have been told to. -Alan Keightley
(hat tip to Chris Guillebeau)
I believe the first key is to acknowledge that rules and scripts exist and to think through the application and consequences. I’m getting better at this in my own life. I recently wrote about why I’m going to cheat more (and you should too).
But applying this to parenting is incredibly tough. We become very risk-averse. That’s the last thing we want to fail at.
So we take the safest course of action: the default. Normal.
If something doesn’t turn out right, at least it won’t be our fault.
If you don’t risk anything, you risk even more. – Erica Jong
I don’t believe this has ever been more true. The greatest risk facing our children is that they grow up to be cogs on the wheel of a system that doesn’t even work. If we follow the default education system and the standard rules, this is exactly what we’ll prepare them for.
To me, that’s simply not acceptable. I want more for her. I at least want her to know that another option exists.
So we’ve started learning about Rules together.
First, we’ve talked about how rules exist for many reasons.
- Some prevent us from getting hurt. It’s probably not a good idea to pull fire alarms just for giggles, and stopping at red lights likely prevents accidents.
- Some just evolved that way. In America, it’s been ingrained that we must go to college to “get a good job.” Or, that we should be “independent” and not rely on others.
- And some make it easier when there’s a large group of people involved: voting systems, dress codes, prescription drugs for common ailments, etc.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with any of them, but they’re not inherently right either. That means that we shouldn’t break rules just because they exist, and we shouldn’t necessarily follow them blindly.
Now, we’re purposefully breaking some rules.
I want her to know that this path has consequences, that it can be uncomfortable in the moment, but that it gets better.
The pink hair was a perfect exercise. (I really wish I’d thought of it sooner.) She faced criticism from one teacher in particular and had to address it. She found a higher authority and was able to negotiate the situation without any harmful effects. She knew there was a risk of detention, and she faced it head-on. She also knew I wasn’t going to intervene either way.
I think this is invaluable practice. For example, I can see numerous parallels between this situation and negotiating a flexible work arrangement with an employer or project. She was able to focus the conversation on the function (which wasn’t harmed) instead of the form (which is often rigid, yet rarely matters).
And this only the beginning. Before she’s an adult, I want her to know how to assess a rule and be adept at breaking it if need be.
What do you think? Am I way off track, or does any of this resonate with you?
Kendra, as a mom of three kids (two boys and a girl), my theory in large part was: “Here’s what I think you should do, but I recognize you’re going to make your own choices.”. Fundamentally, I agree with your theory; however, I disagree on one point: following some rules (dress codes, etc.) show respect for higher order that maintains structure for ALL.
The fact that you’re teaching your good-at-heart, predominately well-behaved daughter to push the boundaries is, in and of itself, great for creating an “outside the box” thinker, but if the ability to break the rules applies to her, it also applies to the angry, breaking-the-rules-to-hurt-the-system teenager whose predisposition for rule-breaking is going to lead to dangerous consequences (crime, violence, etc), rather than the positive social impact that you’re hoping comes from your daughter learning to break the rules.
Who draws that line? Sometimes, we need to follow the rules because they exist to put in order the “masses”, and if you don’t want yourself or your child to be part of the “masses”, you need to consider alternatives. (self-employment for adults, private school or home schooling for children)
It’s easy to label conformity as a bad thing; but I firmly believe that much of the breakdown of the things we hold near and dear (courtesy, professionalism, integrity, “doing the right thing”) has come from the mindset that we have to live on the edge of following the rules. As a culture, we’re a spoiled child with no parent to say “enough!”.
Of course, I believe your daughter is in a different place than many others who are “non-conformists”; however, I believe that road is like walking a razor wire. Often, the risk isn’t worth the reward.
Sarah – You’re absolutely right that it is a fine line, and I think that’s why I’ve really wrestled with it. It goes against much of what I’ve believed my whole life.
Now, I believe that it’s more important to err to the side of non-conformity, even if there are a few negative consequences. I believe that’s less risky than blindly conforming.
Your other points are very valid, and got me thinking of a follow-up post about how I’m choosing to use our educational systems “off-label” instead of opting out.
I really appreciate your thoughts and dialogue. It’s definitely an evolving conversation.
I think you’re right on, and because you have thought this through and are bringing your daughter along with the coaching of an adult, this is a spectacular exercise. It’s the parents that don’t give a hoot and then their kids break rules that I worry about. You and your daughter, you’ll do great.
My daughter had pink hair in kindergarten, she asked for it and as someone who had a mother then and ex-husband that TOLD her what to do with her own hair, it was her hair and damn it hair is temporary, pink fades. Intelligent and independent thought process lasts forever.
What’s the quote….”well behaved women rarely make history”? That certainly applies here.
Julie – Thanks so much for stopping by. I love your line that “pink fades, but intelligent and independent thought process lasts forever.”
That just about sums up my goal!
Another fun post. Welcome to the continuing adventure of, “I thought I knew what I would do when I had kids until I had kids”!!! As a person who enjoys following rules and helping others to follow them, some call it being bossy, I can appreciate your post.
My kids are teaching me, especially AJ that being non-conventional can allow a person to be more grounded than those of us who follow the safe paths. It frustrates me to watch because I don’t understand the choices to be different. But my son is willing to accept the challenges with his choices and I am very proud of him.
I think there is an important point about rules, always ask the “why” behind the “what”. Understanding the guidelines are so important. When my kids choose to challenge a rule, I want to make sure that they understand why and that they are not a “rebel without a clue”. If they can present something that is important to them, I am learning, painfully at times, to understant that I don’t have to agree with everything to love and support them and their journey of discovery is more important than my short term comfort.
So my dear M, stay true to what you believe is important. Be glad you have a supportive family who gives you room to breathe, discover and learn. I am excited to hear about the next adventure…
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I love this post!!! I saw the headline in my feed the other day and wanted to make it a point to come back to this. I think you’re right on track and I’m proud of how you and your daughter are taking this on. Do a follow up in the future to let us know how she’s progressing as a non-cog! Thanks Kendra!
I grew up with everyone around me breaking the rules. I learned how to break them without ever getting caught. I taught my kids to be honest, never break the rules and everyone compliments me on what awesome kids I have. Now they are young adults and are so niave and stupid they are getting in to so much trouble. My son is probably going to prison for being honest etc. I really was stupid.
I am learning a lot here. As a mom of a 15 yr-old, I don’t worry about my son following rules. Instead, I teach him to follow good principles. Rules are confining but principles of good character and following their “True North” global virtues of honesty, integrity, respect, etc… will ground them for life.
One morning he “butt-called” me where his phone accidentally dialed mine. I listened to the conversation for about three minutes as I thought something happened while he was on the bus but did not want to make it obvious he called his parents. There was my son talking about companies merging, business leaders, politics and laughing at his friends’ jokes. I thought, “Wow! This is not my son.” He sounded so grown up. Usually, he doesn’t talk much and when I am in the kitchen, he appreciates my food…that’s about the extent of intellectual conversation that goes on. I had no idea how he is with his friends. And it dawned on me, he listens to his parents and what is accepted and active at home, he takes it with him. We can preach all day long, but our examples show and show louder!
Kendra, I am sure your daughter watches you and your wisdom shines through by your conversations and actions. You have nothing to worry about. Let her break those silly “rules” and follow correct principles.